Well, I think my puffy eyes have cleared since a week ago after watching that Being Mary Jane (Season 3, episode 3) Many of us saw it. Many of us didn't. All I know is, those who didn't, should. Men and women should watch this episode. In fact, one of the most in-depth conversations I had about it was with a male friend who texted me to ask if I watched BMJ. He expressed that it really messed him up and I also shared with him that I cried throughout the entire episode ... from the first scene to the last. In fact, I cried so much and so hard that I thought I may need medical attention any minute. It was the ugly cry, so ugly that I actually started to reach for the remote because I wasn't sure what was happening to me. I mean really, I could barely swallow. You know that lump you get in the back of your throat when you're crying too hard? It's been a long time since something on television resonated so strongly with me. It was just a face-punching, gut-wrenching reality with a well done and much needed message. I think I speak for all who saw BMJ last week that it was quite the emotional roller coaster, and any time you can accomplish that with any type of writing, then consider it a success.

I was a blubbering mess, so let me call out a few scenes in particular that got me going. The opening scene where Lisa goes through this horrific process of planning her suicide--somewhat unbeknownst to the audience for a brief minute--is excruciating. I nearly choked on my own snot and tears. The candlelight, the eerie silence, the last meal consisting of grapes, cheese, wine, the long glance in the mirror at her beautiful body, the shower, the careful selection of her gown, the silence interrupted by music, the sound of the pills hitting the bowl...

And then the smile and the relief.

Another scene that had me looking around checking to see if anyone could see how much I had completely fallen apart was when Mary Jane was sitting on her bed in total darkness other than the light from her phone, clothes still on, going through her dozens of missed calls ... a great deal of them from Lisa. I felt like at that point I was taking on Mary Jane's pain. All of it. There was an unwritten dialogue hovering over that entire episode, the thoughts we knew were swirling around in Mary Jane's head (if you saw the episode the week prior) ... those venomous last words she so carefully selected for her best friend all while holding her other friend Louie the bat in a threatening manner. It's not something you'd want to remember and replay over in your mind, but we know it's something Mary Jane will think about even though she knows Lisa's suicide isn't her fault.

This episode of BMJ showed us that it's okay to tell our ugly truths no matter how ugly they are and to admit it when we're not feeling okay. We should be honest with our loved ones when we know we aren't feeling mentally strong. There are few people in this world who haven't responded "I'm fine" when asked "How are you doing?" when they actually feel pretty damn awful. Instead, we lie as BMJ points out. We lie because we don't want anyone to know our pain. We lie because we don't want to burden anyone with our pain or make them feel uncomfortable. We lie because we're trying to be strong. We lie because we don't want to complain. We think just because things can always be worse that we don't have the right to admit when things are actually already bad. I can think of countless times when I've mouthed the words "I'm good" knowing full well it wasn't the truth. In fact, I tend to always pause right before I tell my lie ... a struggle between wanting to share and feeling like who really cares. Admittedly, sometimes I just don't want to talk about it, so I just pretend that all is well in my world.

The truth of the matter is, we all need to talk about these ugly truths. It may not necessarily need to be with the person inquiring, but it's important to find someone, the right person to discuss your ugly truths with, and let them know how you're feeling and why.

I would like to thank Mara Brock Akil, Salim Akil, and the entire BMJ cast for hitting such a taboo subject dead center on the nose. Suicide is rarely discussed in the African-American community, so thank you for bringing it from the deep abyss of darkness into the clarity of light where it needs full visibility. Bravo!

#SalimAkil #suicide #AfricanAmericans #mentalillness